PIP For Parents

PIP (Positive Interpersonal Programming) helps you look at yourself and at your most significant relationships. It is not a test. Rather, PIP enables you to see your stronger and less strong areas, those things that you do better and those things that you do less well, those things within which you should find pride and satisfaction and those things deserving a little more time and attention from you.

Each section focuses on an important area of your parent life. Within each section are several statements about the most important interpersonal elements for that area. Going through all of the sections and statements will help you look at your parenting strengths area by area and specifically at your strengths and less strong points within each area.

To the left of the statements within each section is a blank. Put a "5" on the blank if the statement is always true for you. Put a "4" if it is usually true for you. Put a "3" if it is sometimes true for you. Put a "2" on the blank if the statement is seldom true and a "1" if it is almost never true for you.

5 = almost always true

4 = usually true

3 = sometimes true

2 = seldom true

1 = almost never true

Once you have finished a section, add together your ratings for all of the statements in that section. This will give you a combined score. Next, divide the combined score by the number of statements in the section. This will give you an average score for that section. Write in your average score for the section in the blank to the left at the beginning of the section. Once you have finished all sections, add together your average scores for each section and then divide by the total number of sections. This will give you a composite score indicating how well you function overall as a parent.

When you are finished, you will find that you have some points that represent real strengths for you and some points that represent less strong elements. The goal is to work toward average scores of "4" or above within each section and an overall composite score of "4" or above.

How do you achieve this level? Go back to the individual statements, locating those statements where you gave yourself a "1", "2", or "3". These represent the specific things on which you need to work.

It is important to use two approaches. First, be sure that you spend most of your time and energy doing those things that you do well: those things where you gave yourself a "4" or "5". Do what you do well and do it as much as possible.

Next, begin to give some time, thought, and energy to increasing how often you show the behavior, attitude, characteristics, and so on shown in those statements where you gave yourself lower ratings. Emphasize your strong points and gradually strengthen your less strong areas.

____ Being A Parent

1. ____ Managing my children

A. ____ I effectively discipline my children.

B. ____ I understand their real needs.

C. ____ I expect about the same things of and for my children as do other adults at home.

D. ____ I deal firmly but gently with my children.

E. ____ I am able to get my children to cooperate.

2. ____ Relating to my children

A. ____ I spend time with them.

B. ____ I am someone with whom my children want to spend time.

C. ____ I am interested in their activities and involvements.

D. ____ I am interested in their problems and difficulties.

E. ____ I am pleased with my children.

F. ____ I am sensitive to their moods and feelings.

G. ____ I give my children room to grow, room to make mistakes, and room to experiment with life.

3. ____ Modeling for my children

A. ____ I set a good example for them.

B. ____ I communicate a positive image of my children to them.

C. ____ I take time to explain things to my children and to discuss things with them.

4. ____ Being Responsible

A. ____ I adequately supervise my children.

B. ____ I recognize and deal with their real problems.

C. ____ I am committed to my children.

D. ____ I appreciate and encourage their individuality.

Both May Be Right

“In every dispute between parent and child, both cannot be right, but they may be, and usually are, both wrong. It is this situation which gives family life its peculiar hysterical charm.” -- Isaac Rosenfeld

Rosenfeld almost got it right, but not quite. Certainly, in every dispute between parent and child, both may be wrong. It’s also true that they both may be right; and to some extent, they usually are. Although parent/child disputes are typically treated as a special category, they are better understood merely as disputes, not particularly different from other disputes. Quite simply, people are disagreeing. That’s all there is to it.

When parents and children disagree, the dispute is viewed differently than other disagreements. In the latter, there is an assumed balance or parody between the participants. In the former, there is a strong tendency to assume that the parent is right and the child is wrong. For the child to pursue the contrary view is disrespectful.

When adults disagree, they seldom dispute the observable facts. They are usually disagreeing about the correct interpretation, meaning, or significance of those facts. When parents and children disagree, it’s usually over “enough;” early enough, late enough, clean enough, good enough, well enough, and so on. Even so, the dispute represents a difference in point of view, opinion, or interpretation. The point is that the issue is normally not the kind of situation where someone is right and someone is wrong. Both parties are at least partially right. Instead of understanding it as a dispute or argument, it needs to be seen as a negotiation, not dissimilar from any other negotiation.

This converts most parent/child disputes to either negotiations or unilateral decision making. The parent either negotiates or lays down the law, so to speak. There is no dispute or argument. Deciding which is appropriate is difficult; but Virginia Satir has a perspective that helps, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

Of course, Sidonie Gruenberg was right, “Home is the place where boys and girls first learn how to limit their wishes, abide by rules, and consider the rights and needs of others;” but Thomas Moore was also right, “Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul.”

The conclusion is this. Lay down the law with your children, when you must. The rest of the time, negotiate, using the same tact and interpersonal charm you use with everyone else with whom you occasionally disagree.